Reflections

I woke up happy this morning. Maybe I’ll go to the cafe and start my Saturday with a coffee!

I lift up my mug with my left hand. The two fingers through the handle and my thumb on top. The other two fingers support the bottom. I slowly bring it to my lips while I stare at what seems to be nothing. I was looking at my reflection through the barista’s coffee machine. What is this? This life I’m living alone. What am I doing wrong? Why do I look like this? My self image becomes distorted. Is this what I actually look like?

No one is ever going to love me enough to try. Am I the problem? I hate my reflection. I put my coffee down without finishing it, reach in my wallet and grab ten bucks. I paused for a moment to see if I’d change my mind… nope, nada, zip, nothing. I place the money on the counter and leave. Why does every step feel like I’m racing to my death and why is my heart beating through my chest? “Mark calm down before your skin starts burning again”

It’s too late it already started. It starts in my face the makes it’s way through my entire body, all the way to my toes. This burning sensation won’t go away until my heart rate slows down. Breathe in and out slowly through my mouth.

Maybe I’m the problem, maybe I need fixing.

This is my form of panic attack. I can’t let anyone know that this occurs. I can’t be weak in front of anyone. Being vulnerable is not an option anymore. I put my A/C on blast because being cold helps me for some reason.

The burning stopped… I carry on with my day.