I lack any romantic inclination or desire to experience love. On most days, I’m emotionally detached and driven by logic. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m capable of love, but if I were genuinely trying to convince myself, I would have to care at least a little bit. I do care for about five minutes, but then my patience and empathy fade. My logic tells me that I need fulfillment, and that a person can provide it. Why do I struggle so much with this? Why do I push people away when they get too close?

I don’t want to cause harm or hurt anyone. Well, I never truly believed I was capable of emotional harm. That’s because I’m not considered pretty or charismatic. I’ve never seen myself as desirable, and my reflection is my adversary. Regardless of my efforts, I always end up alone. It’s as if I’m destined to be alone, even though I yearn for companionship.

I’ve dreamt of finding love for most of my life, so it’s not as if I don’t desire it. However, this place offers nothing for me. 

Why must I feel alone 

When I know I am not. 

I am sorry for the pain I cause 

Im sorry for the friends I lost. 

Breathe in a breath full of the crispest air the earth could provide. 

Feel deeply what the ground is emanating

Maybe then you will understand

Maybe then will you see my plan

Right now I’m unapproachable

That’s because I’m constantly changing my mind. Constantly in a state of discontent and discovery. 

So someone tell me why I feel alone

Even though I know I am not. 

Do you get what I’m trying to say? Do you see what I’m looking at? (The cross) 

I do not know what it is I want. I can’t decide if a person could satisfy my loneliness. 

There is a deity above them all that supersedes all human understanding. This is what I seek, this is all I love. 

I cannot love you the way you want me to. That’s because all of it is used to glorify the only one who has the power to save me. But even though I am in a deep relationship with God, why is it that I feel so alone. 

I will not accept the answers that I have received in the past. That I need human connection to be satisfied in this life. I refuse to see that side of me that needs another person. I refuse to feed into that part of myself that desires intimacy with a person. I have intimacy with Jesus. I have the only love I need in Him alone. In that sense, I do not know love. In that way, I cannot generate this unwanted feeling. I am tired of feeling like I am required to. 

Maybe I need to escape to the mountains and live alone.

I woke up happy this morning. Maybe I’ll go to the cafe and start my Saturday with a coffee!

I lift up my mug with my left hand. The two fingers through the handle and my thumb on top. The other two fingers support the bottom. I slowly bring it to my lips while I stare at what seems to be nothing. I was looking at my reflection through the barista’s coffee machine. What is this? This life I’m living alone. What am I doing wrong? Why do I look like this? My self image becomes distorted. Is this what I actually look like?

No one is ever going to love me enough to try. Am I the problem? I hate my reflection. I put my coffee down without finishing it, reach in my wallet and grab ten bucks. I paused for a moment to see if I’d change my mind… nope, nada, zip, nothing. I place the money on the counter and leave. Why does every step feel like I’m racing to my death and why is my heart beating through my chest? “Mark calm down before your skin starts burning again”

It’s too late it already started. It starts in my face the makes it’s way through my entire body, all the way to my toes. This burning sensation won’t go away until my heart rate slows down. Breathe in and out slowly through my mouth.

Maybe I’m the problem, maybe I need fixing.

This is my form of panic attack. I can’t let anyone know that this occurs. I can’t be weak in front of anyone. Being vulnerable is not an option anymore. I put my A/C on blast because being cold helps me for some reason.

The burning stopped… I carry on with my day.

A green bus used to pick me up to take me to youth group at a church my family never went to. I remember not knowing anything about the things they would talk about and never had a prayer request. The entire time, I just remember waiting to play dodgeball or to begin outdoor activities. I never really cared about a savior or a God. I never really wanted to learn about any of it. I was just there and I was skeptical. I also used to think that the people around me weren’t real people and that I was the only person who actually existed. I just couldn’t comprehend that everyone is their own person and they worry about their own struggles and such. I don’t remember how old I was or even what grade I was in but I do remember how I felt and what I thought. I felt alone and confused about reality and life. But I somehow also knew that everything was going to be okay. This is why I wasn’t like my brother. To be honest, I had a shit childhood and I have no idea how I got through it alone. My mind had to have been at a different place because the memories are foggy. Maybe it was the fortresses I used to make out of pillows and sheets, or all of my imaginary friends. They were always there when my father wasn’t, or my mother couldn’t be there. I could always come home to them and I found comfort in them.

My mother used to walk me to school and when she told me the moon was made out of cheese I pretended to believe her because those moments were rare to me and I cherished them. She was in pain and I could tell. I could always tell and it made me want her to feel like she’s enough. Somehow I felt that me being there fixed everything. So why have I always wanted to leave. Now that I’m gone, it seems like everything is falling apart. I was the glue that held the family together. A glue that decided to lose its adhesive qualities. Now I can’t even hold myself together. I wanted to escape, that’s why I looked forward to that green bus. I just wished it would take me somewhere far away never to return. I used to imagine what it would be like starting over. By myself in a different world.

Then we moved to Puerto Rico. Now that was an experience I’m glad I had even though it was a bad one. I remember disappearing all of the time. Into the forest to look at wild animals and pick fruit and pretend I was Tarzan. I would build teepees and befriend wild dogs and stalk horses from afar. Then there was the school I would walk to every morning. Honestly I felt like I was being abandoned. I rarely saw my mother and my little brothers we’re always at their grandparents house. My older brother built up quite the reputation at school as the one not to mess with. And me, I was just a nobody. I used to get jumped by a group of ruthless kids almost everyday. They were the type of kids who would kick me when I was down. So once again I was an outcast, never seeking to be popular. Time after time I would just take what these kids did and I didn’t retaliate because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. But eventually I was fed up. I could write a book about this so I’ll keep it short. Let’s just say things began to change and no one jumped me anymore. I was harder than before, forced out of my shell. But still an introvert. This experience changed me into a heartless person if I wasn’t already there.

We moved back to the mainland and things felt a lot different. I didn’t have the freedoms to run wild into the wilderness although my hometown is covered by wooded areas and such, it wasn’t the same. Then I was forced to grow up due to my mom getting cancer. I really thought she was going to die and I prepared myself for it. 12 years old, that’s how old I was cooking dinner for my brothers and cleaning the house. My family needed me the most and I was there, somehow I still managed to get good grades and attend sports. I didn’t really care for sports but I know it made my mother happy so I stayed. The rest of my family turned their backs when it came to helping out my mother. Especially when she asked for money to help out with surgery costs, they all refused to help. She had to take out a loan to save her own life. I was too young to understand how any of that worked but I was just glad to see her recover. It seemed as though she was stronger than before. I always viewed her as a strong independent woman and I respected her. I understood why she couldn’t be there all the time, anytime for that matter. I was never mad at her for it, I always just felt the pain inside of her. I always wanted her to be happy but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. She turned to alcohol and that is what I hated the most, I saw what alcohol does to people and for that I chose to not become an alcoholic. I barely ever drink and when I do I control it for the most part.

Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend that the green bus is on its way to pick me up and take me far away. I hoped that maybe one day I would find neverland but deep down I knew I would never leave. My family needed me. They’ve fallen apart without me. Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving but I know it was necessary for me to grow as a man. And growth has definitely happened. Just not in the ways I’d hoped. My heart still feels impenetrable from any outside forces such as love. Romantically I’m not there yet but It’s something I’m working on. There are a lot of issues that I still need to work out before I can move forward. Internally I still feel incapable of love. Unworthy of it as well. I’ve forced love before and that was obviously wrong because I ended up back where I started. Worse actually. I need to allow it to just happen without me forcing it. I need to be patient because I know I’m capable and I know I’m worthy. I no longer wait for the green bus because I need to learn to be content with where I am. With who I am.

Why does it seem like time stops when times are most difficult? When the rain comes down and I have nothing to prevent me from getting wet.

When the temperature drops and I’m still soaked. Will I lose myself and get internal? Or will I find a way to keep warm?

What happens when the sun starts to go away and you’ve been waiting for the clouds to disappear all day? You freeze where you’re at with nothing dry in your possession. Eventually your body heat will dry certain areas of your blouse and trousers. But it doesn’t matter anymore because I’ve gone Internal. If the enemy strikes, will I get up and fire back? Or will I lay here and allow myself to be devoured by the bullets? Will the adrenaline rush be enough? Will I even care if I live or die? My mind is a place of chaos and it’s constantly at war. So maybe when it comes to it my muscle memory will take the reins. Or I’ll completely throw away everything because of the stupid pain…

Before I go, tell me that I’ll make it to heaven because if I don’t know for sure then I’ll fight to stay in this world.

Before I go tell me the truth. Everything you’ve been hiding from me. Just let me know.

Before I go tell me that you love me so that when I close my eyes you are what I see.

And as you look into my eyes I want you to see how frail I really am.

I’ll try to remain strong but in the end I want you to see me for me.

I might act strong but deep down I know I’m not.

Look at me.

No, stare at me.

Stare into my soul and I’ll state all my weaknesses. Look into my eyes but not just the surface. Look at all my flaws and accept them. Accept me for who I am.

Take me.

Not just to a certain place but to permanently safe place in your arms. Take me completely. Not just a piece of me but all of me. Take my entire essence.

The way she looked at me

The way she pointed at me

The urgency in her voice

The way she said,

“You! Yes you. You’re going to do something great for the Lord! The Lord is going to use you! He has something in store especially for you!”

I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything at all. I just stared for a second and just kept walking up the stairs. There were three of us in the group walking up the apartment complex to get to our place. Out of three of us why did she chose me? Why did she stop me?

It didn’t hit me then, not the way it should’ve. Or maybe it did and that’s the reason I remember that today. I think about it all the time especially when I feel like I’m going off the deep end. I have no idea who this lady is and I haven’t been to Rode Island since but I’m grateful to have heard what she said to me. I know that was God speaking to me. Before, I just thought she was a crazy old lady. A confused weird religious lady. I wasn’t religious at all and I didn’t even know the gospel. I was unaware that one day it would become my passion.

I brushed it off and didn’t think about it much until I got back to New Jersey and started going to junior high youth group.

Now, that is when I really started to think about that day. That’s when I felt the legitimacy of her prophecy. Why am I passionate for this? I wanted to pursue this God who felt so far away my entire life. I wanted to find the answers to my questions. I wanted to find a way to get to heaven and in doing so I found my purpose. I devoted so much of my time to learning about the Bible and learning about what it means to be a Christian. Even though I spent a lot of time trying to learn more about Jesus, it was never enough. I never felt like I was on the right track so I kept on praying for directions and never really received any. Or maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention. Or I wasn’t being a good Christian. I stopped cursing and I decided I would wait til marriage to have sex. But even though my actions were pure, my mind was the opposite. Inside I was a mess and I never told anyone. I was too ashamed and I never wanted anyone to know. I hid my terrible thoughts with my good works. Then I could hear the old lady in that apartment complex in the back of my head, “You…. yes you!”

“STOPP!! Leave me alone!”

I tried to be a good person, not because I wanted to but because I felt like I needed to. I thought that if I was good enough then maybe God would dismiss the fact that I’m attracted to guys. I thought maybe after all my good works God will see that I mean business and he’ll change my sexual orientation.

I still can’t believe I lived like this for all those years. Why did it take me so long to figure it out?

My identity is in Christ! God does have something in store for me, that I believe.

It resonates with me. Those words are engraved in my memories, much like a prophecy. I still believe that I haven’t figured out what He will use me for but I’m here and ready for whenever He decides emplace me.

*Thoughts before bed*

“Be with me when I’m struggling and not only when I’m thriving.

Be with me today and be with me tomorrow.

Be with me in happiness be with me in sorrows.

When I’m winning and when I’m losing.

When times are clear but also confusing.

In times of peace and time of chaos.

Be with me through it all, when I rise and when I fall. maybe then I will see that you are the one for me.”

*shuts eyes*

“Hold me”

Lift me up so I can feel the wind beneath my feet. You can feel my heart beating faster than yours. Great, now you know that I’m nervous. As much as I try to hide it, my vulnerability slowly begins to reveal itself. I’m fully exposed and I’m completely okay with it. I can feel the breeze coming from the ocean and I breathe it in allowing the air to flow right through me. As we fall to the sand, all I can think about is how glad I am to be in your arms. I lay with my head on your chest, you ask me if it’s okay if we just rest. We watch the sky turn from blue to velvet as the sun begins lighting up a different part of the world. I slowly begin to close my eyes thanking God for blessing me.

*Eyes open up*

“Damn that was all a dream.”

How did I not realize it was a dream?

I was in a daze hoping it never went away.

Now I’m reminded that one day this could be my reality. If only I knew how to get to that moment. That will require something that is too difficult for me to acquire. Something too far for me to reach. I wish I could travel to the past and tell my younger self the truth. The truth that I’m the only one making everything difficult. I’m the only one standing in the way of my happiness. I’m sure I would’ve done well for myself. I would finally stop lying to myself. And maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be alone.

I wouldn’t wake up from a dream wishing it was reality. Instead I would be focusing on more important matters. ( like work) I wouldn’t be wondering what it’s like to have a genuine connection.

But then I wouldn’t be the person I am today which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It doesn’t make sense to think about the way things could’ve been or could be. What matters now is the way I chose to live in the present moment. The past is irrelevant now. I’ve been too focused on the past but recently I made a decision. The decision to seek those connections even if it makes me feel uncomfortable. Even when I feel like locking myself indoors and not talk to anyone, I will take a few steps outside of my comfort zone in order to achieve enlightenment.

Those dreams will be my reality one day.

The things I secretly long for will be within my grasp. And most importantly I will be happy.

Painting is a metaphor for control and I think that’s why I paint

Is LOVE POWER!? If so then I am completely powerless.

For years I’ve been telling myself that I don’t know love because I never truly understood it. I understood the concept of love but could never actually see myself loving another person. This was all part of a lie that I was continuously believing. I believed for so long that I Could never be in a loving relationship because of my inability to feel certain emotions. I was so wrong.

I’m beginning to understand the importance of being emotionally connected with another human. Lately I’ve been desiring something. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was but I knew that I needed it. Genuine connection will fulfill me. I now see that all of these years, I’ve been lying to myself. I think it finally clicked. I realize that my way of thinking was wrong. I want to love and I think I’m finally ready to let go of my doubts. I think it’s time for me to begin to open up. My desire is to find someone who is compatible. Someone I can return to after a long day. Someone to share good moments with. I want a person who is more laid back and understands me. I want to understand someone else. Someone I can hold and he can hold me. I seek emotional connection somewhere I just don’t know how to say it or where to look. I don’t know how to pursue this but I must try. I’ve come a long way and it took me so long to figure this out.

When I realized why my mind made me believe these lies, it was night and day.

I was shielding myself from the pain that was to come. Why though? How is it that at such an early age I was able to know these things? Is this because of childhood trauma? If so, I think I can move passed it. I want to be happy and in order to do that I need to let go of anything that might be causing me to wanna be alone.

I used to warn people who tried pursuing anything with me about this but yet they continued. I’ve driven people out of my life just because I felt like I was getting too close. When I started to become vulnerable I started to distance myself. I just couldn’t do it but now I know the truth. I know that it’s all a lie. It’s still hard for me because of my past but I’m slowly getting to understand this.

Growing up I always flushed out any romantic thoughts because they were about boys. My mind is conditioned to ignore my feelings. This is why I often feel as if they don’t exist at all. But they do exist and I’m done lying to myself about it. It’s time to face the truth and confront this problem within me.

I do know love! It’s been around me all my life I just chose to ignore it. For some reason I made the decision that I’m not going to feel love. And I just accepted those terms. I guess if I was still trying to change my sexuality this would still be the case. But I have finally learned to accept the right things and not the wrong things. I’m Gay and that’s me. There is no changing it and there’s no way around it. In order to be happy I must find that person I was talking about earlier. And I think that one day (hopefully soon) I will find him and we will be like two pees in a pod. I’ve been so focused on not fucking up my future and I forgot to live in the present moment. Lately I’ve been enjoying life a lot more.

When I came to this realization, I also desired to be with someone. I used to be okay with being alone but I think I want something more. Something real. I don’t want to just go through the motions anymore I want to be sincere. An open book ready to be vulnerable.

Everyone experiences anxiety one way or an other. I discovered a strategy to never get overwhelmed by my own anxious mind. I’m a very aware person and I like to understand everything. But when I don’t understand something I get worrisome and start to lose sight of the person that I’m meant to be. After deep meditation with our divine creator I am able to rely solely on Christ to alleviate my worries. I give my burdens to God because He is all knowing, that alone comforts me. 

People try so hard to understand things in this universe that doesn’t make any sense in order to deny that there is an all powerful deity that is in full control of the universe. What even is the universe? And who is it’s creator and why was it created? These questions make people uncomfortable because they don’t want to believe in a divine author. It’s common sense that everything in existence has a cause. But the reason everything was created or what existed before the big bang is unknown. People come together to create theories trying to explain the inexplainable. When people realize this and become aware that they will never truly understand, they let go. They accept it and denial becomes a way of life. I think there are so many people that are living in denial and they don’t even know it. 

Giving up is absolutely not the right answer. When you let go, you become ignorant and  you live a dull life. I believe that God has all the answers and there are things we just aren’t supposed to know yet. Feeling secure plays a big role in my relationship with Christ. And I feel secure in my faith, even enough to accept that I just don’t know somethings. But I know that God knows and one day when I’m in heaven I’ll ask Him. I don’t know exactly how old the earth is, or about dinosaurs, or if there’s life on other planets, etc. And it’s okay not to know because those things, as intriguing as they seem are not essential for our salvation. This is part of the Gospel that even in the midst of my confusion, I’m able to trust that God Knows. He simply knows everything and I didn’t know this before but I had to accept that. Giving up isn’t the right answer but the contrary. Care as much as possible and allow Gods revelation to transform your heart. This is the type of compassion you can only receive from God and upon his Overflowing kindness you can share it with others. To actually enjoy life one must be in Christ. Worldly pleasures run out of time and when it does you will be left depleted. 

Now let’s talk about time. I used to be scared of time, thinking about it gave me anxiety. The thought that eventually my time was going to run out bothered me so much, it made my skin burn. How did I overcome this part of my life? It is accepting death. Sounds absurd but its true. I accept death because If I die I know i’ll meet Jesus face to face. I’m confident in my relationship with Christ. Time doesn’t scare me anymore. And now what is there to fear, pain? Nah, I’ve never been afraid of being in pain. The truth is, when you realize how much fear can control your life you’ll want to fight and overcome your fears. 

Why can I feel emotions when I’m praying, but not when I interact with others? The only one who ever made me feel love is Jesus Christ. That’s another reason I believe in God. I gave Him all of my burdens and I felt a literal shift in my heart when I surrendered to God. I believe that God has called me. The purpose or the calling has gotten confusing over the years but I learned of his purpose for me when I ran away. All of my life, I tried to understand love until I met Jesus. I learned about the second death and how Jesus saves us from it. 

Revelation 20:15 “If anyone’s name was not written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.”

Jesus literally saves us from this and all we have to do is believe in Him. That isn’t what changed me though. See, Jesus took me in like an orphan child and the change was gradual. He took me in how I was and a lot of things changed quickly like the words that came out of my mouth. And the people that had a bad influence in my life were gone. The music I listened to was strictly music that glorified God. Lets just say I was really serious and passionate for Christ. The things that remained the same were the things I thought needed to be changed the most. Let me elaborate, the things that never changed were the way I felt about other people and the fact that I cannot generate an emotional connection with others. When I tried, I surrendered everything to God and told Him to take all of me. I wanted Him to use me for His purposes. Unfortunately I still couldn’t love a person the way I was supposed to. I could only act as if I loved them. My actions seemed pure but I knew deep down that it was never enough. 

My relationship with Christ was shaping me into a righteous person. I truly love God with all of my being but that love isn’t enough compared to his love for me. I used to think, “Maybe I’m just not good enough.” It was true, I could never do enough to pay for what Jesus did for me. He saved me from the dark place I called my mind. And the most I could ever offer is my complete surrender to Him. Thinking about this brings emotion to my heart. A warm feeling I’m not used to. I know that a miraculous event took place in me that has allowed me to love.