Painting is a metaphor for control and I think that’s why I paint
Is LOVE POWER!? If so then I am completely powerless.
For years I’ve been telling myself that I don’t know love because I never truly understood it. I understood the concept of love but could never actually see myself loving another person. This was all part of a lie that I was continuously believing. I believed for so long that I Could never be in a loving relationship because of my inability to feel certain emotions. I was so wrong.
I’m beginning to understand the importance of being emotionally connected with another human. Lately I’ve been desiring something. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was but I knew that I needed it. Genuine connection will fulfill me. I now see that all of these years, I’ve been lying to myself. I think it finally clicked. I realize that my way of thinking was wrong. I want to love and I think I’m finally ready to let go of my doubts. I think it’s time for me to begin to open up. My desire is to find someone who is compatible. Someone I can return to after a long day. Someone to share good moments with. I want a person who is more laid back and understands me. I want to understand someone else. Someone I can hold and he can hold me. I seek emotional connection somewhere I just don’t know how to say it or where to look. I don’t know how to pursue this but I must try. I’ve come a long way and it took me so long to figure this out.
When I realized why my mind made me believe these lies, it was night and day.
I was shielding myself from the pain that was to come. Why though? How is it that at such an early age I was able to know these things? Is this because of childhood trauma? If so, I think I can move passed it. I want to be happy and in order to do that I need to let go of anything that might be causing me to wanna be alone.
I used to warn people who tried pursuing anything with me about this but yet they continued. I’ve driven people out of my life just because I felt like I was getting too close. When I started to become vulnerable I started to distance myself. I just couldn’t do it but now I know the truth. I know that it’s all a lie. It’s still hard for me because of my past but I’m slowly getting to understand this.
Growing up I always flushed out any romantic thoughts because they were about boys. My mind is conditioned to ignore my feelings. This is why I often feel as if they don’t exist at all. But they do exist and I’m done lying to myself about it. It’s time to face the truth and confront this problem within me.
I do know love! It’s been around me all my life I just chose to ignore it. For some reason I made the decision that I’m not going to feel love. And I just accepted those terms. I guess if I was still trying to change my sexuality this would still be the case. But I have finally learned to accept the right things and not the wrong things. I’m Gay and that’s me. There is no changing it and there’s no way around it. In order to be happy I must find that person I was talking about earlier. And I think that one day (hopefully soon) I will find him and we will be like two pees in a pod. I’ve been so focused on not fucking up my future and I forgot to live in the present moment. Lately I’ve been enjoying life a lot more.
When I came to this realization, I also desired to be with someone. I used to be okay with being alone but I think I want something more. Something real. I don’t want to just go through the motions anymore I want to be sincere. An open book ready to be vulnerable.
Just Me 